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So, here is a cautionary tale. Our house is the place to be if you are a lost or wandering animal. Our two birds are the only animals in the house that we’ve had since they were born. Or in this case hatched. Mickey the cockatiel is going for a Guinness world record for the oldest cockatiel out there. He just turned twenty-six. Kelly picked him out the day he hatched.

We have a rescue dog, Marshal, and three stray cats who all independently decided they owned us and that we should start feeding them.

We’ve found and returned a boxer who wandered our way. Odd thing is, I was calling this red boxer Lulu because of a Charleston era song that has the lyrics:

“You can bring Pearl, She’s a darn nice girl, But don’t bring Lulu. You can bring Rose With her turned up nose, But don’t bring Lulu. Lulu always wants to do, What the boys don’t want to do, When she struts her stuff around, London bridge is falling down, You can bring cake Or Porterhouse steak, But don’t bring Lulu. Lulu gets blue And she goes cuckoo Like a clock up on the shelf, She’s the kind of smartie Who breaks up every party, Hullabalooloo, don’t bring Lulu, I’ll bring her myself.”06 Don’t Bring Lulu

The version I have is by Nathan Glantz and His Orchestra, but there are many other with more complex lyrics. The gist of them is all the same. So, why was I calling this boxer we found “Lulu”?

Well, honestly, she kept trying to have sex with Marshal and it was quite frankly very confusing to him. Anyway, I was calling her Lulu and when we reunited her with her family it turned out her name really was Lulu.

None of that has to do with the title of this post.

I need a new screen door because of a giant red Pit Bull that wandered into our yard.

He had on a collar and was super friendly. I know, pit bulls kill people, but this guy seemed cool. Oh, and people kill people too and I still talk to them. We didn’t want this dog to hurt anyone or hurt any smaller animals in the neighborhood. I put a leash on him and we checked with a couple of neighbors and scared the hell out of them, but found out it wasn’t their dog. So, we decided to put the dog in the back yard and put a sign on our mailbox. Well, this dog didn’t think he belonged on the porch and was jumping straight up in the air and looking in the back window asking to be let in. We told him he couldn’t come in and he said, “yes, I can. Just open the screen door”.

I said, “no”.

He said, “It’s easy. Let me show you how.” And in one bite he ate through the door. Kelly wanted to call animal control at that point and I said I didn’t want to deal with that and I’d go and see if anyone was looking for him. Kelly went to sit with the dog in the back yard while waiting for a constable to come by. Apparently if you call for animal control and they aren’t there, a constable shows up.

Well, I left the house looking for the owners and was on this dead end road in back of my house. Perhaps a metaphor for my own existence. I heard a voice yelling from the farmland behind our neighborhood. I yelled back and asked if they lost a dog. They yelled back “yes”. I yelled over the fence for Kelly to call the constable to not come and waited for this woman to come get her dog. I’m looking through a pipe rail gate and this pickup heads my way followed by a beautiful white horse. The woman opens her gate and before she can shut it the horse trots through. While she gets on her cell to call people to help her corral the horse, I’m doing my best cowboy imitation (watching all those westerns as a kid paid off) and trying to redirect the horse back into her property. Horses are much bigger when you are in front of them when you are riding them.

I’m trying to do a dance with this horse to keep it from running off. I move right, it goes left. I go left, it goes right. The whole time I’m worried I’ll get trampled and I look over at my house and see Kelly’s head pop up over the fence.

She takes in the scene and yells, “No fair. You get to play with a horse!”

Anyway, the horse went home, the dog went home, the neighbors offered to pay for any damages, we got invited to a barbecue, we learned that constables are supposed to put down any pit bulls they find, so we won’t be calling the constables for non-aggressive pit pulls or any animal for that matter.

And, I need to build a new screen door.

The friendly pit bull red and his method of opening screen doors.

The friendly pit bull red and his method of opening screen doors.

The screen door.

One bite and goodbye screen door.


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